I'm wandering about the house
unable to concentrate on one single task.
I pick up a plate from lunch, intent on putting it in the sink, only to set it back down and walk into the living room, only to do the same thing with a baby toy abandoned to the floor.
my mind flits like a hummingbird - back and forth from one thought to another.
I suppose one could say, "I'm all of a dither".
an underlying current of excitement, like a pulse of a low volt battery glows inside me.
humming with a constant source of energy.
my brain jumps and starts in one direction then hops back to another seemingly unrelated path.
all in response to a simple telephone call.
England is once more a possibility.
a possible adventure for our family.
perhaps for not as long a tenure as originally planned but the potential to go is once more dangled in front of me.
the proverbial carrot I long to crunch.
all the reasons are there.
they all make sense.
but the money isn't.
it just isn't readily available.
and when one has to count on the sale of a house...one must pause.
pause and consider.
because as everyone's mother has told them: it doesn't do to count those chickens before they've hatched.
and so I sigh.
and really try to rein in my emotions.
but still, they scatter in all directions like a billiards cue breaking the rack of balls.
and I find myself wandering about the house, without aim.
wondering once more.
27 May 2014
19 May 2014
a day in the life - part 2
{get ready for an image overload. I ended the day with nearly 800 images. whoa.
some of them will be featured in another post soon. for now, however, I give you a typical Saturday at our house.}
as I embarked on this month's "a day in the life" project, my only thought upon beginning was to make it different than the last (you can find that post here).
I was determined to be more creative, more candid, more artsy in the month of may.
I set the imaginary bar high.
during the first half of the day, my mind hummed with creative captions, witty explanations and thoughtful commentary to go along with the images I was capturing.
I was going to explain that my first thought upon waking was of coffee (instead of my usual cup of english breakfast).
I grappled with creative ways to tell the story of the night before, my daughters' decision to play silently in their room until I found them at 10:30, clad in only their - ahem - undergarments. and due to their lack of rest, they were beyond cranky and lethargic for most of the morning (until mandatory naptime was enforced).
I thought of how I would caption certain images: taken with a baby on my back, as the wee man refused to nap for any significant length of time.
all these thoughts swirled through my brain. until lunchtime, that is.
after lunch, all those thoughts were erased.
replaced.
cancelled out by a song.
a simple song.
but a song that nonetheless brought my heart to its knees.
this melody restarted my creative vision for the day.
I was scrubbing an overflowing sink of dishes with tears skipping down my cheeks, only to have them mingle with the sudsy dishwater.
"knees to the earth" my heart sang along, as my throat was too constricted to form the words.
the song immediately following on my pandora station continued along the same bent, serving to inspire my mood even more.
no longer a chore, an assignment to see how much I could improve upon the previous month's project but a renewed vision.
no longer just one more thing in my already busy day.
in a way, those words were rose coloured glasses to my day.
tainting the minutes with their message of hope.
I have interspersed the lyrics of those two songs in between the selected images from that day to give you a picture of how my eyes saw my world through my viewfinder.
all images taken 17 may 2014, in the order in which they appear.
some of them will be featured in another post soon. for now, however, I give you a typical Saturday at our house.}
as I embarked on this month's "a day in the life" project, my only thought upon beginning was to make it different than the last (you can find that post here).
I was determined to be more creative, more candid, more artsy in the month of may.
I set the imaginary bar high.
during the first half of the day, my mind hummed with creative captions, witty explanations and thoughtful commentary to go along with the images I was capturing.
I was going to explain that my first thought upon waking was of coffee (instead of my usual cup of english breakfast).
I grappled with creative ways to tell the story of the night before, my daughters' decision to play silently in their room until I found them at 10:30, clad in only their - ahem - undergarments. and due to their lack of rest, they were beyond cranky and lethargic for most of the morning (until mandatory naptime was enforced).
I thought of how I would caption certain images: taken with a baby on my back, as the wee man refused to nap for any significant length of time.
all these thoughts swirled through my brain. until lunchtime, that is.
after lunch, all those thoughts were erased.
replaced.
cancelled out by a song.
a simple song.
but a song that nonetheless brought my heart to its knees.
this melody restarted my creative vision for the day.
I was scrubbing an overflowing sink of dishes with tears skipping down my cheeks, only to have them mingle with the sudsy dishwater.
"knees to the earth" my heart sang along, as my throat was too constricted to form the words.
the song immediately following on my pandora station continued along the same bent, serving to inspire my mood even more.
no longer a chore, an assignment to see how much I could improve upon the previous month's project but a renewed vision.
no longer just one more thing in my already busy day.
in a way, those words were rose coloured glasses to my day.
tainting the minutes with their message of hope.
I have interspersed the lyrics of those two songs in between the selected images from that day to give you a picture of how my eyes saw my world through my viewfinder.
all images taken 17 may 2014, in the order in which they appear.
Wonderful Savior, my heart belongs to Thee
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior, my heart will know Your worth
So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/christy-nockels/knees-to-the-earth-lyrics/#jFL8FhhO9hkPFbWz.99
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior, my heart will know Your worth
So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/christy-nockels/knees-to-the-earth-lyrics/#jFL8FhhO9hkPFbWz.99
Wonderful Savior, my heart belongs to Thee
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior, my heart belongs to Thee
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior, my heart will know Your worth
So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/christy-nockels/knees-to-the-earth-lyrics/#jFL8FhhO9hkPFbWz.99
I will remember always the blood You shed for me
Wonderful Savior, my heart will know Your worth
So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/christy-nockels/knees-to-the-earth-lyrics/#jFL8FhhO9hkPFbWz.99
Wonderful Savior, my heart will know Your worth
So I will embrace You always as I walk this earth
So I will embrace You always as I walk this earth
Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
Be treasured here, be glorified
Be treasured here, be glorified
I owe my life to You, my Lord
Here I am
Here I am
Beautiful Jesus, how may I bless Your heart?
Knees to the earth, I bow down to everything You are
Knees to the earth, I bow down to everything You are
Beautiful Jesus, You are my only worth
So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth
So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth
Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
And be treasured here, be glorified
And be treasured here, be glorified
I owe my life to You, my Lord
Here I am, here I am
Here I am, here I am
Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
And be treasured here, be glorified
And be treasured here, be glorified
I owe my life to You, my Lord
Here I am, here I am, here I am
Here I am, here I am, here I am
Knees to the earth, here I am
Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one
Deliver me from the evil one
I look out the window
The birds are composing
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day
On her wedding day
So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need
You know what I need
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is strong
The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?
To buy the one you've found?
Two things you told me
That you are strong
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me
Yes, you love me
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is strong
Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons
And deliver us from these prisons
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is strong
knees to the earth by watermark
your love is strong by jon foreman
14 May 2014
a constant state of "i don't know".
it's nearly nine am.
and I find myself back in bed...
oof.
after getting up at 5:30...
feeding. burping. changing the wee man.
making myself tea. and toast.
trying to read a bit of the psalms with a wee man in my lap.
he would like nothing more than to rip and crinkle the thin pages of my bible.
hearing little girl footsteps on the stairs. too early.
sighing.
scrambling eggs. making more toast.
pouring milk.
wiping up said milk.
assembling the contents of a first grader's lunch box: soup and pita chips. cucumber spears and grape tomatoes. an apricot and a clementine. almonds and chocolate chips.
wishing I had his lunch.
asking the same questions I pose every morning: "is your backpack packed? got your library books? where are your shoes?"
and then: "make good choices. I love you."
shooing him out the door. "hurry. hurry. papa's waiting."
returning to the kitchen.
dishes. the never-ending cycle.
combing little girl hairs.
searching for the other sock.
wiping bums.
finding a paci. rinsing a paci. putting a wee man back to bed.
wiping a bum. again.
and here I find myself.
in bed.
at nine am.
oof.
tired.
yes.
that.
always.
always tired.
but today's tiredness is different.
tinged with melancholy.
I'm tired of my life.
of this constant not-knowing-ness.
this perpetual "I don't know".
everyone keeps saying how brave I am for doing this.
brave.
hmm.
I don't feel brave.
quite the opposite usually.
and frustrated.
yes.
worried about the future.
that too.
and alone.
achingly alone.
and guilty.
so very guilty.
guilty for not doing enough.
not being there enough for my kids.
neglecting their needs as I wallow in my own pool of self pity.
"you're doing an amazing job!" a friend recently told me.
I don't feel like what I'm doing is even close to amazing.
I feel mediocre.
exhausted, mostly.
barely scraping by.
I find myself snappish. peevish. annoyed at the little things.
and most days, I just want to curl up into my bed and just sleep.
sleep until my husband comes back home and life can resume.
I am lost without him.
a constant state of not yet.
of I don't know.
of we'll see when we get there.
it's wearing me down.
I am tired.
so very, very tired.
I should also mention that I am incredibly blessed and thankful to be where I am, to be taken care of the way I am.
truly blessed and thankful.
and I find myself back in bed...
oof.
after getting up at 5:30...
feeding. burping. changing the wee man.
making myself tea. and toast.
trying to read a bit of the psalms with a wee man in my lap.
he would like nothing more than to rip and crinkle the thin pages of my bible.
hearing little girl footsteps on the stairs. too early.
sighing.
scrambling eggs. making more toast.
pouring milk.
wiping up said milk.
assembling the contents of a first grader's lunch box: soup and pita chips. cucumber spears and grape tomatoes. an apricot and a clementine. almonds and chocolate chips.
wishing I had his lunch.
asking the same questions I pose every morning: "is your backpack packed? got your library books? where are your shoes?"
and then: "make good choices. I love you."
shooing him out the door. "hurry. hurry. papa's waiting."
returning to the kitchen.
dishes. the never-ending cycle.
combing little girl hairs.
searching for the other sock.
wiping bums.
finding a paci. rinsing a paci. putting a wee man back to bed.
wiping a bum. again.
and here I find myself.
in bed.
at nine am.
oof.
tired.
yes.
that.
always.
always tired.
but today's tiredness is different.
tinged with melancholy.
I'm tired of my life.
of this constant not-knowing-ness.
this perpetual "I don't know".
everyone keeps saying how brave I am for doing this.
brave.
hmm.
I don't feel brave.
quite the opposite usually.
and frustrated.
yes.
worried about the future.
that too.
and alone.
achingly alone.
and guilty.
so very guilty.
guilty for not doing enough.
not being there enough for my kids.
neglecting their needs as I wallow in my own pool of self pity.
"you're doing an amazing job!" a friend recently told me.
I don't feel like what I'm doing is even close to amazing.
I feel mediocre.
exhausted, mostly.
barely scraping by.
I find myself snappish. peevish. annoyed at the little things.
and most days, I just want to curl up into my bed and just sleep.
sleep until my husband comes back home and life can resume.
I am lost without him.
a constant state of not yet.
of I don't know.
of we'll see when we get there.
it's wearing me down.
I am tired.
so very, very tired.
I should also mention that I am incredibly blessed and thankful to be where I am, to be taken care of the way I am.
truly blessed and thankful.
09 May 2014
five. going on fifteen. and back again.
she stood on the bathroom stool.
mostly silent.
fingers caressing the end of a curl.
stood still as the beak of the curling iron molded her long locks into loose waves.
curl after curl, she stood.
mostly silent.
her words, quietly spoken, made my fingers stumble over the hot curling rod in my hands.
stopped the rhythmic open and close and the smell of heated hair.
"mommy, why is my tummy so fat?"
my darling daughter is not fat. far from it.
and I am not delusional (one of those mothers that can't see how unhealthy their child truly is...).
she stands with an arch in her back.
her tummy pokes out a bit.
not fat. far from it.
but where did she learn it?
why did she notice?
and most of all, why did it bother her so?
composure gathered, I answered her.
encouraged her.
reminded her God made her beautifully HER.
helped her see her healthy body and how strong her muscles made her.
again. she was mostly silent.
then, suddenly, five again. not fifteen anymore.
tears welling in her eyes, she asked:
"mommy? what if when I get big like a grownup, I don't want to live away from you?"
oh my dear heart.
you can live with me forever and a day if you want.
my sweet baby girl.
my sweet...
beautiful...
helpful...
compassionate...
outgoing...
ferocious...
kind...
vivacious...
sparkly...
amazing...
passionate...
colourful...
joyful...
little lady...
...baby girl.
you are five.
so big.
yet still so little at the same time.
I love watching you grow...
to marvel at the young lady you're becoming.
always remember:
mostly silent.
fingers caressing the end of a curl.
stood still as the beak of the curling iron molded her long locks into loose waves.
curl after curl, she stood.
mostly silent.
her words, quietly spoken, made my fingers stumble over the hot curling rod in my hands.
stopped the rhythmic open and close and the smell of heated hair.
"mommy, why is my tummy so fat?"
my darling daughter is not fat. far from it.
and I am not delusional (one of those mothers that can't see how unhealthy their child truly is...).
she stands with an arch in her back.
her tummy pokes out a bit.
not fat. far from it.
but where did she learn it?
why did she notice?
and most of all, why did it bother her so?
composure gathered, I answered her.
encouraged her.
reminded her God made her beautifully HER.
helped her see her healthy body and how strong her muscles made her.
again. she was mostly silent.
then, suddenly, five again. not fifteen anymore.
tears welling in her eyes, she asked:
"mommy? what if when I get big like a grownup, I don't want to live away from you?"
oh my dear heart.
you can live with me forever and a day if you want.
my sweet baby girl.
my sweet...
beautiful...
helpful...
compassionate...
outgoing...
ferocious...
kind...
vivacious...
sparkly...
amazing...
passionate...
colourful...
joyful...
little lady...
...baby girl.
you are five.
so big.
yet still so little at the same time.
I love watching you grow...
to marvel at the young lady you're becoming.
always remember:
it's your heart that makes you beautiful.
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