13 January 2007

joys and frustrations of motherhood.

this post is mostly just for my own memories...i want to remember how i'm feeling right now...in this crazy moment of being a mother for the first time. there are so many ups and downs in this hormonal ride...one minute my soul is content and my arms are filled to overflowing with this precious little man so fresh from God but then in the next minute, it's my eyes that are filled to overflowing and it's not with tears of happiness or joy but rather ultimate frustration.
i'm frustrated because i'm tired. what i wouldn't give to sleep more than three hours at a time.
i'm frustrated because i feel so alone. john just doesn't get it...plus he's been working on the house so much this week that i'm beginning to feel like a single parent.
i'm frustrated because my dining room table is overflowing with christmas decorations and it's nearly the middle of january. everytime i try to make a dent in the festive pile, something more pressing always pulls me away (usually a tired little man).
i'm frustrated because i can't get my son to sleep when i know he's so tired. but when john picks him up, he's out in less than five minutes.
i'm frustrated because my house is not only messy...but it's filthy too. it's nearly impossible to clean with one hand...and my little snuggler doesn't spend enough time sleeping by himself.
i'm frustrated that we're still struggling with feeding times...when will it get easier?!?
i'm joyful because i get to spend so much time with elijah. even when that time is at three o'clock in the morning...i get the priviledge of caring for this sweet boy...and i love it.
i'm joyful because since elijah is so dependent, i'm forced to slow down and relax. my body still isn't 100%...torn muscles take a long time to heal...and i know that if my little man didn't force me to cuddle with him...i'd be no where as healed as i am now.
i'm joyful that my precious son knows my voice...my face...and is comforted by them.
i'm joyful that God has entrusted such an amazing gift to me and john...
i'm joyful that elijah is getting the hang of sleeping at night...even if it is only in three-four hour stretches...that's better than one hour catnaps!
i'm joyful because my little boy is healthy and happy and growing shockingly fast.
i'm joyful because elijah really is a good eater (actually a little piglet if you ask me!) and that although we do struggle occasionally with feeding times, he and i are getting into a groove and i know that soon these hiccups will just be a distant memory.
teehee...what a cute picture eh? my handsome little man...
ok...i think i'm done with my compare and contrast essay.
have a good weekend everyone...

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