thoughts on thirty-two.

i'm not one to use the word "suck" as a verb. i tend to find it crass and vulgar. but in this situation, i will make an exception. december birthdays suck. there's no way around it. they just do. maybe having a birthday at the beginning of december wouldn't be too bad...but any time after the first week...boom. instant suck.
my birthday falls on the 22nd. three whole days before christmas. the older i've gotten, i've grown to care less. but still...inevitably, the suckiness of having a birthday in the midst of the christmas season comes and smacks me in the forehead. some years, it smacks less than others. but regardless, there's always a bit of a sting.
this year was a bigger smack than usual. i'm not sure why. perhaps it's due to the complicated life "stuff" that's going on this year...or maybe it's because i'm starting to feel old. cognitively, i know i'm not old...not even close. for some reason though, thirty two feels significantly older than thirty or thirty one did. i always thought i wouldn't mind growing older...and i suppose i don't really mind THAT much. i just thought it would feel differently. or that i wouldn't be so surprised to find the gray hairs and the deepening wrinkles and the age spots. sometimes i look at my hands and i catch myself wondering when they changed. and why i didn't notice...
i've been humming this song quite a bit these days. the lyrics resonate with my heart and where it is right now...

santa knows what i want for christmas
but jesus knows what i need
it can't be purchased, wrapped up
and placed under an eight foot tree

i need patience, kindess - virtues like these
to bend on my knee at the manger
santa may bring things that last for a year
but eternal gifts come from the saviour

some days come where i'm just plain selfish
i can't think of no one but me
then i think of all that i'm blessed with
and that it's always best to give than to receive

i need faithfulness, love, generosity
to open my home to a stranger
santa may bring things that last for a year
but eternal gifts come from the saviour

i need patience, kindess - virtues like these
to bend on my knee at the manger
santa may bring things that last for a year
but eternal gifts come from the saviour

santa knows what i want for christmas
but jesus knows what i need...

(leigh nash - eternal gifts)

melancholy has reigned in my heart for much of this holiday season. i know that i am blessed beyond measure and for that i am truly thankful. but for this season, my heart just feels the need to be quiet. to be pensive. and sometimes, to be inexplicably sad.

maybe that's why thirty two is harder. feels older. more complicated.