the last day of february

i am ridiculously tired.
exhausted through and through.
there is not one single part of me that doesn't ache with tiredness.
mentally.
physically.
creatively.
spiritually.
inside and out.
weary.

i know they say to nap when baby naps but after a while you start to feel guilty about it. and there's just so much to do! and what if your baby refuses to nap during the day? some new thing eli's doing...it's making me so frustrated. he's SO tired but he just won't sleep. right now he's on a blanket on the floor just kicking around. he's starting to fuss though...so we'll have to go through the whole process of trying to get him to sleep all over again. *sigh*

another thing that's bothering me right now...this house. it just seems so frivolous...so unnecessary...so ridiculous. i know we won't be here forever but i'm already tired of the "grandness" of it all. give me a little cabin in the woods (preferably snowy woods), complete with a real fire place (no more of this "flip a switch and presto-chango...instant fire!" stuff) and rooms that don't echo with emptiness. this huge house inspires feelings that we need to fill it up with more and more and more...when i think we have too much already.

plus i' d love to be able to have my baby sleep in his room and not need a monitor to hear him in the night...

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written on 27 february 2007

it is currently 9 pm and my little boy has been asleep for almost three hours...and he hasn't eaten in almost four! is this a sign of things to come or simply the effects of a busy day?

went to safeway today. didn't have a list so i felt a bit flustered. i've already thought of things i forgot. i hate that i have to drive twenty minutes to go to the grocery store. i suppose i don't have to...but safeway is the only store around that has good prices and a healthy selection of organic offerings. what i wouldn't give for a whole foods though...

as much as i'm enjoying my little one's sleeping jag...i'm starting to get a bit lopsided and i'd really like to go to bed. and oh i hope he sleeps tonight! maybe i'll keep him up til his daddy gets home (he's at cheroots (a cigar bar) with the boys tonight). then john can help me give eli a bath. the tub's simply too big for me to handle that job alone...

ooo...i hear grunting...i hope he's waking up!

no such luck.
still sleeping sweetly.
i just want to kiss his pudgy cheeks.
he's so precious.
it's kinda funny to me...
i could watch him sleep for hours.

as crazy as it sounds...
i'd really like another one.
already?
i know.
my body hasn't even healed from the first one yet.
i never would have considered myself mom material...
but wow...i love it.
i can't think of any more fulfilling way to spend my time.
my life even.
i do get frustrated.
i do get annoyed.
i am tired.
so tired.
but i'm also blissfully aware of this little life in my arms.
and even though it scares me sometimes...
the responsibility of it all...
it's also exhilerating...
liberating...
and just really fun.
i wake up with a smile...
ready for another day with my little man
watching him grow and learn about the world...
there's nothing better.
incompariable.
it's true that Johnson's advertisment:

"having a baby changes everything"

it makes everything better...
brighter...
fuller...
happier...

incomparable.
indescribable.
what a ride.

i wouldn't trade my life for the world.

finally...he's awake.
nothing sweeter.

(pictures taken 28 february)

early morning musing...

it's 6.30 am thursday morning. i've just finished a breakfast of organic toaster waffles (who knew?) and juice (well...is superfood really considered juice? it's almost a meal in itself.) i'm just sitting here listening to the rain, watching my precious husband sleep and our little boy squirm away...and i can't help but think...

I AM SO BLESSED.

i probably have a thousand things to do today and since i'm awake...i should probably get started. but i just want to sit here for another moment and soak it all in...

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things i've learned in my two months as a mom...

• i don't need as much sleep as i thought i did to survive
• i can love someone so much it hurts but still be ridiculously frustrated with them...
• despite what the pediatrition says, pacifiers are sanity savers
• breastfed baby's poops really do smell and whoever invented the diaper genie (it had to have been a mom) deserves a medal of some kind
• breastfeeding is hard and it takes way longer to master than i ever thought possible (i hope it gets easier with each subsequent child)
• newborn smiles wipe away all traces of sleep-deprivation and any lingering memories of labor
• there's nothing better than seeing elijah smile in recognition at his momma
• babies need way more stuff than seems possible but it's amazing what you can live without. however, there's not one corner of the house that's not affected by the baby invasion
• i can sleep sitting up while nursing
• a meal together with my husband, where we can actually sit at the table and eat at the same time, is a rare occurance
• baby will be fine in his bassinette for a few minutes while i brush my teeth and put on some non-spitup stained clothes
• the laundry never ends
• forget about spontaneous free time.
  
• it's funner to shop for baby than it is for me. the money that i used to spend on clothes, scrapbooking supplies and yarn now all goes to babies r us
• eight uninterrupted hours of sleep? what's that?
• the only way i can make it through an entire two hour movie is to watch it at ten o'clock in the morning
• nothing smells better than a baby's head and nothings softer than their skin
• the first time he had to get his shots, i cried...probably more than he did.
• just when i think i can't love him anymore...i do.
  

it's been a while...observations of a two month old

so...we've been in alaska for the past two weeks...visiting my parents and my homeland. though i love it up there and miss it almost daily...it is nice to be home and settled down a bit. elijah just turned two months on friday and i wanted to share some of his milestones, characterics and general observations of this stage of his life. enjoy!

-can almost sit up by himself

-likes to say "goo"...A LOT!

-"accidentally" rolled over on 18 feb. (i say accidentally because i don't think he meant to do it and i'm not sure he knew what he did...)

-smiles liberally at momma and daddy (except when he's hungry!)

-eating gets better and better

-still no bottle...just momma

-loves his paci (tho the ped says to limit its use...) and needs it to fall asleep sometimes (especially when he's overtired or too worked up )

-first vaccinations on 16 feb...cried so hard! and momma did too...

-can fall asleep by himself most of the time (except when overtired...then he needs momma or daddy's help)

-gets up 2-4 times at night to eat...then falls right back to sleep

-sleeps in bassinette in momma and daddy's room

-starting to nap in crib

-love to "rock out" in his swing

-he's a SQUIRMIE WORMIE! loves to move around...kicking and squirming and reaching for things

-the hair that fell out is starting to grow back in

-eyes are turning brown

-holds all his weight when he's stood up by momma or daddy (or grandma as in the pic...)

that's it for now...more to come