the last day of february

i am ridiculously tired.
exhausted through and through.
there is not one single part of me that doesn't ache with tiredness.
mentally.
physically.
creatively.
spiritually.
inside and out.
weary.

i know they say to nap when baby naps but after a while you start to feel guilty about it. and there's just so much to do! and what if your baby refuses to nap during the day? some new thing eli's doing...it's making me so frustrated. he's SO tired but he just won't sleep. right now he's on a blanket on the floor just kicking around. he's starting to fuss though...so we'll have to go through the whole process of trying to get him to sleep all over again. *sigh*

another thing that's bothering me right now...this house. it just seems so frivolous...so unnecessary...so ridiculous. i know we won't be here forever but i'm already tired of the "grandness" of it all. give me a little cabin in the woods (preferably snowy woods), complete with a real fire place (no more of this "flip a switch and presto-chango...instant fire!" stuff) and rooms that don't echo with emptiness. this huge house inspires feelings that we need to fill it up with more and more and more...when i think we have too much already.

plus i' d love to be able to have my baby sleep in his room and not need a monitor to hear him in the night...

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written on 27 february 2007

it is currently 9 pm and my little boy has been asleep for almost three hours...and he hasn't eaten in almost four! is this a sign of things to come or simply the effects of a busy day?

went to safeway today. didn't have a list so i felt a bit flustered. i've already thought of things i forgot. i hate that i have to drive twenty minutes to go to the grocery store. i suppose i don't have to...but safeway is the only store around that has good prices and a healthy selection of organic offerings. what i wouldn't give for a whole foods though...

as much as i'm enjoying my little one's sleeping jag...i'm starting to get a bit lopsided and i'd really like to go to bed. and oh i hope he sleeps tonight! maybe i'll keep him up til his daddy gets home (he's at cheroots (a cigar bar) with the boys tonight). then john can help me give eli a bath. the tub's simply too big for me to handle that job alone...

ooo...i hear grunting...i hope he's waking up!

no such luck.
still sleeping sweetly.
i just want to kiss his pudgy cheeks.
he's so precious.
it's kinda funny to me...
i could watch him sleep for hours.

as crazy as it sounds...
i'd really like another one.
already?
i know.
my body hasn't even healed from the first one yet.
i never would have considered myself mom material...
but wow...i love it.
i can't think of any more fulfilling way to spend my time.
my life even.
i do get frustrated.
i do get annoyed.
i am tired.
so tired.
but i'm also blissfully aware of this little life in my arms.
and even though it scares me sometimes...
the responsibility of it all...
it's also exhilerating...
liberating...
and just really fun.
i wake up with a smile...
ready for another day with my little man
watching him grow and learn about the world...
there's nothing better.
incompariable.
it's true that Johnson's advertisment:

"having a baby changes everything"

it makes everything better...
brighter...
fuller...
happier...

incomparable.
indescribable.
what a ride.

i wouldn't trade my life for the world.

finally...he's awake.
nothing sweeter.

(pictures taken 28 february)