ontological

there's a thousand things i should be doing... a endless list of "ought to's"... but today, i feel like sitting. pensive. alone and quiet with my thoughts. the girls are sleeping. e and j are still at the reception for eva. the family buried her today (or set aside her ashes, i guess.) of course i cried. i cried for the family... for their grief and their loss. i cried for maria as she wept in her son's arms. i cried...for the reality of it all. the realness. life ending while i hold my children and watch their lives begin and continue. madeleine l'engle writes of the word: ontology. it's the word about the essence of things... the word about being. and i'm not sure how... but today felt ontological somehow. maybe it was the clouds and the wind and the rain and the sun and the thunder all mixed together... or maybe it was the spanish words of the service all jumbled together against my english speaking ears. or the tears mixed with the raindrops. or the smiles from long-remembered memories mixed with the rays of sun... it was a lot like being. and maybe that's why i sit here... silent. listening to my own breath and the wind against the eaves... wondering at the connection between the two.