30 April 2014

missing him.

this guy.
this. guy.
my man.
he's been gone.
gone for four.long.months.
plugging away at school.
trying to get another degree.
a different degree.
for a different career.

we've been here.
he's been there.
it's been so, so very hard.

I miss him in a way I have difficulty defining.
this missing him is rather like the mountains here in Alaska.
the mountains.
they're everywhere.
surrounding me.
they're invariable.
massive monoliths.
silent centennials.
their weight is always there.
but I rarely give them a thought
because I see them so often.
I've become callous to their beauty and magnificence.
there are times though, with a glance in my rear view mirror,
or a fleeting look out the window,
that they catch me off guard.
debilitate me with their sheer magnitude.
their wonder.

this missing him is like that.
it's always there, this ache.
this weight.
I can ignore it.
for a while anyway.
and I will be just fine...
but then suddenly, wham.
an uppercut to the solar plexus.
o o f.
and all of a sudden, I can't breathe.

if I let it,
if I even think about it,
the sheer volume of my missing him will overwhelm me.
cripple me.
I can't acknowledge it if I'm to survive and to care for my kids.

soon it will be over.
he will be done with his course and exams
and he will come back to us.
but in the meantime,
my bed is cold tonight.
the sheets are frigid without his warmth.
the bed that seems so small with him tucked in beside me...
it's expansive.
as wide as the sea.

I miss him.
pictures taken with my phone - excuse the crummy quality!


Bethany Carlson said...

Gosh, you made me feel the beauty, the pain and the hope all in one blog post. So amazingly written.

MamaHawk said...

oh my friend! You have such a way with words. You make me feel like I am right there with you, feeling what you feel, seeing what you see.
The end is in sight! Soon....Miss you and love you!