05 March 2007

daily rant.

i hate school. hate Hate HATE it. and no...i'm not being overly dramatic. i am seriously so sick and tired of school i just want to sit in a corner with my blanket and cry. immature? yes. do i care? no. i have been going to school for pretty much eight years straight. plus the 14ish years before that. 22 years. i'm only 26 years old. ridiculous. more than just a bit.

and don't even get me started on the money thing. this school is insanely expensive...of course it is...it's an art school! however...i'm beyond wanting to go into debt just to get a piece of paper with their name on it. john says i have to finish now since i've already started and all that money will have been wasted...which is true...but why waste any more? why not just stop the madness now?

i'm just tired. not just physically...but creatively and mentally. spiritually too if that counts for anything.

burnt out.

in a word (or two i guess). and i just don't really see the point anymore. i don't need a degree to be a photographer. i'm just getting the degree to have one. can't i just add all my credits up and have them equal...something? anything?

if the finish line were closer i'm not sure i'd be having this dilema. but it's still two years away. two years seems like a lifetime.

i'd simply love to have my day filled with my duties as a wife, mother, sister, aunt and friend. i'm tired of academia "tainting" my view of the world and my view of myself. i feel like such a miserable failure with my professors comments about my work. i know they're just trying to help...but it's so hard not to let it corrupt my self esteem...my heart even.

i want to want to learn again. i want to take classes that i want to take...not classes that i have to take in order to graduate. i really couldn't care less about 20th century art! really...i just don't care anymore...and that scares me.

i'm not saying all this for sympathy. i'm not even writing it for advice or a quick fix. i just need to say it. and hope beyond hope that it changes something deep down in my soul. cuz right now...it needs fixing.

i'm off to go find my blanket and have a good cry...

1 comment:

Moldable Clay said...

Hey Katie,
Was great seeing you on our blog, naturally I went immediately to yours to check it out. Sorry you feel so burnt out. Understandable, sounds like you're juggling a ton!!! So fabulous seeing and hearing about your little angel!!!! Is he ever handsome, my goodness!!! He is soo gorgeous!!! Anyways, now that I know that you're here, I'll be back to check things out. Janelle